My name is Baconhound, and I am a recovering fast food junkie. The last time I “used” was 3 weeks ago.
It was a Friday; I was in my work van and had no prepared lunch. I survived the morning fuelled by coffee and granola bars, but I could feel the beast in my belly growing restless.
And I had been so good up to that point; eating lots of salads, grilled vegetables, juices, soups. No alley burgers, no fried chicken, no deliciously naughty french fries, no rain barrel of cola.
But on that fateful day, I happily made my way from appointment to appointment; chatting with customers, sipping my coffee, and singing along with my iPod’s warped sense of “shuffle”.* I’d pass a local drive-thru “restaurant” and pretend to yell out at the slobbish, sweaty patrons (for some reason in a weird Russian/ Polish accent- which I suggest you try right now) “WHY FOR YOU ARE EATING ZEES CRRRRAP, ZEES EES FOOD FOR DOGS!” Then continue on my way, proud of my newfound will power and finding myself extremely hilarious.
And then out of the blue it happened.
Through some evil twist of fate or karma, (or some mix of the two henceforth known as fatarma) I got dispatched to a place that would test my resolve like no other.
I sat motionless in the van, staring at my work screen; I pondered how I was going to get through this situation and maintain the same belt notch. Unable to stall anymore, I slowly put the van in drive and head out.
Pulling up to the front door, I frantically look at my phone like a convict in the electric chair; hoping for that last minute phone call that could save me.
It lay there silent.
I summon some courage, gather my tools, and head inside.
Then I came face to face with the evil temptress.
Her name?
Donair.
Her weapon?
A powerfully seductive scent that lures in her victims.
I stand tall, resisting any and all attacks on my senses.
“I can beat this”, I tell myself; secretly knowing I cannot.
Instead I concentrate on my work, diligently completing task after task like an un-hungry robot. Finally having completed my work, I quickly pack up my tools and head for the door, marvelling at my self control.
Reaching for the door handle, I hear a voice call out to me.
“Would you like a free donair?”
Just like that, I succumb.
I quickly grab that foil wrapped saucy wench and dash back to the van.
Devouring the sweet, seared mystery meat I think to myself “I don’t care who can see me”, while the tangy, delicious donair sauce drips from my chin.
Pushing the last morsel into my mouth, junkies’ remorse sets in, and a cloud of shame decends as I realize I have undone all my hard work for a few moments of bliss.
I share this story with you in the hope that it will inspire just one person to succeed where I have failed.
But more than that, there is a moral to this story:
Donairs are awesome, and I love free stuff.
* 5 consecutive songs- as shuffled by my iPod.
Bust a Move- Young MC
We’re not going to take it- Twisted Sister
A case of you- Joni Mitchell
Looks that Kill- Motley Crue
The Logdrivers Waltz (non Canadians, you tube it)
Inspired by your confession, I will offer you one of my own…on Tuesday, while on my way to get my hair done at 11:30 in the morning, I realized I was starving. I had eaten my Jenny Craig cereal for breakfast, but it wasn’t staving off my hunger. There was no way I could wait until 2pm when my hair appointment would be over. So I decided to get a salad. On my way to the deli, I think I blacked out or something, because the next thing I knew I was at the Burger King drivethrough ordering not one, but two cheeseburgers. I’m ashamed of the fact that I ate them both in the five minutes it took me to get from Burger King to the hair salon. But man…they were tasty. They were no Alley Burgers or 5 Guys burgers…but they weren’t a salad either.
There you have my confession.
Now…what is a donair?
I so need to know what a donair is as well!
A donair is very similar to a Shawarma. Basically, it’s ground spiced beef or lamb moulded onto a spit and roasted. The meat is then shaved off and crisped on the flat-top and loaded in a warm pita with cheese, onions, a creamy sweet sauce, and sometimes tomato.
It’s a heart stopper!